Well, this has been an emotional pregnancy thus far. I have endured more to this point than the last pregnancy at this point. I have had so many emotions, more than I remember with the last. I have also prayed more this time around which lead me to think about something.
A very wise woman from my church stated to me something about "knowing" God and just being faithful in Him. I always thought I was a very faithful person. I know that, or at least I say it all the time, things happen for a reason and whatever that thing is, God is here to help should we ask for it. I have faith that He will get me through anything. He got me through Brady's delivery (though I'm not sure I was with Him at that point) and He got me through the recovery for sure. That I remember praying about and as soon as I did, I got my answer. He's a good God.
Back to the "knowing" part. I have been so paranoid about this pregnancy. I haven't really confided in anyone about this yet and probably would feel better if I did. I guess writing it here is a first step. Going into this pregnancy I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. I was already feeling overwhelmed with Brady but I felt called to have another. I honestly can say that when Beth Moore speaks of being called by God to do something, to serve, I feel (and Kevin did too) that this baby is a calling. Saying that, another wise woman told me that this was answer to our prayer and God is watching over us inturn. I know this but it sure helped to hear that. I'm not sure why I have somewhat lost my faith. I definitely feel burdened.
Going into the pregnancy I heard several stories about women who had just recently lost their babies in utero. They had just stopped breathing and most of these women were at the end of their pregnancies. That scared me for some reason. I also had all these memories of friends who had lost babies or had things wrong with them. I just have felt overwhelmed with what if's.
So, then finally the other day I felt the baby move. I had been worried because it seemed like I had felt Brady move pretty early on. We haven't had an ultrasound yet and that assurance hasn't occured. I haven't seen the little bean although we have heard the heartbeat twice. I still just feel unsure of things. I haven't felt the baby move since the other night and again started the what ifs. Our next obgyn visit is Tuesday and I can't wait. We are having THE ultrasound and I am excited but scared. Again what if....I just can't get these feelings out of my head. I wonder if God is telling me something, something I already know as a mother or if I am really just being paranoid. I hope it is the later.
I do know that I need to find that "knowing" that the wise woman spoke to me about. I yearn for it and I need it in my life. I don't know why I seem to have gone off track with my faith during this pregnancy. I just know that I need to find the way back.
